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You Need a Dog!

From The Freelance Retort – 23 years of friendship defined by a simple phrase…


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My friend Janey, who I’ve known for more than 23 years, now—as impossible as that may seem to both of us— is the biggest animal lover I know.  She has never, in all that time, been without a house full of cats and Golden Retrievers.

She loves her animals so much that she gives them the best of lives, and the best of her, for 15 years or so; then, when it's time, with a broken heart, she stays with them and holds them, until they’re ready to move on.

Janey wants me to get a dog….always. 

She’ll call me and say…

YOU NEED A DOG…!!!

WHAT”S WRONG WITH YOU????

Then she goes on to chastise me in her exceptional Queen of Queens twang—which mostly sounds like other people do when they have a very bad cold—and tells me that since I work from home I’d be a perfect dog owner, but I am the most selfish person in the universe…because I don’t have a dog!!!

And I don’t disagree. I am the most selfish person in the universe....

I can barely take the time to water my plants...let alone a dog.

She’s says, a dog will keep me company while I work...and make me laugh.

All true, I say.

She says, a dog will give me companionship on my walks, fetch my newspaper and give me a sense of responsibility by demanding I take care of it.

I tell her that what I would really like is for the dog to not only fetch my newspaper but read it to me as well.

Then she usually says I’m a dumb bunny, which really sounds like something else when she says it, and hangs up the phone.

And this goes on and on in some variation several times a month.

In between, she tells me I should do more writing.

She told me, 10 years ago, I should start a blog, she reminds me.

She said I would enjoy it. She said she would enjoy it.

I told her that maybe I would, soon...and now, 10 years later, I have....

And she was right…she does enjoy it…but I’m still on the fence.

She says, you’re a great writer but people just don’t know that yet.

I tell her, I might be a great writer but only because my friend Joanne gave me a mug that says just that, right on the side…otherwise I’m not so sure.

Janey says, no, it must be true…it says so on the mug!

I say, but I also have mugs that say I’m Cool as a Moose…

She says, you are Cool as a Moose, and with that I can’t disagree…I am.

We go on like this all the time.  Sometimes I’m her therapist, sometimes she’s
mine.

She tells me, she can’t imagine being dead.

I tell her, no one can…unless they're dead. And then it’s difficult to talk....

She gets annoyed and says to stop kidding around. She tells met that she’s serious.  That she was watching a Cary Grant movie, the other night, and everyone in it was dead.

I say, it must be a very boring movie....

She again says, I’m a dumb bunny, which really sounds like something else when she says it, and hangs up the phone.

Then Janey will call and tell me that her landscaper is a dumb bunny, which makes me feel better, since now, I'm not the only one.

She says, she tells him to clean out the weeds on her fence, but he only cleans the weeds off her neighbor’s side of the fence and leaves her weeds alone.

I say, maybe he misunderstood, and she says no, he understood.  He just did it to spite me.

I say, why would he want to spite you?

And she says, because she told him that he cut the lawn crooked.

Crooked?

Yeah, she says. All the blades of grass are crooked. You should see them.

I say, maybe you’re just standing crooked, you know because of your one flat foot.

Then she starts to call me a dumb bunny, and I stop her and tell her, I’m glad she’s been my friend for all these years.

She thinks about this for a second then says…

Me too…but …

YOU NEED A DOG…!!!

WHAT”S WRONG WITH YOU????

 

From The Freelance Retort

For more Retort, visit http://freelanceretort.blogspot.com/

Retort to the Retort

FreelanceRetort@gmail.com

 

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

Nick Oddo October 19, 2011 at 09:49 PM
"You need a dog" is very funny! I resisted getting a dog for 25 years, three years ago I finally gave in. Stella has become my best friend! She does make me laugh and keeps me company (I also work from home). Most importantly she keeps me present and has taught me many lessons about life. Listen to your friend "You need a dog"! Once the training is over you will fall head over heels. Come meet Stella! Nick
Brian Moloney - The Freelance Retort October 20, 2011 at 03:54 AM
Thanks, Nick! Now I'm hearing it in stereo....

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